i can't control what's happenin

girlymoon @ 2004-10-07T15:44:00

2004-10-07T22:46:31Z

Something just isn't right
I can feel it inside
The truth isn't far behind me
You can't deny

When I turn the lights out
When I close my eyes
Reality overcomes me
I'm living a lie

When I'm alone I
Feel so much better
And when Im around you
I don't feel

[CHORUS]
Together
It doesn't feel right at all
Together
Together we built a wall
Together
Holding hands we'll fall
Hands we'll fall

This has gone on so long
I realize that i need
Something good to rely on
Something for me

When I'm alone I
Feel so much better
And when Im around you
I don't feel

It doesn't feel right at all
Together
Together we built a wall
Together
Holding hands we'll fall
Hands we'll fall

My heart is broken
I'm lying here
My thoughts are choking on you my dear
On you my dear
On you my dear

When I'm alone I
Feel so much better
And when Im around you
I don't feel

On the way down

2004-08-31T04:31:14Z

i bought the ryan cabrera cd yesterday and i like it alot well the first three songs at least. I started school today and my classes are pretty boring and all the subjects are so dry but i want to do well this semester so i guess i better start likin it. i carpool wit kiver to school so i have someone to keep me company which is always nice. i painted my nails black today cuz i was in the mood for somethin different. Lol my mom bought these head phones for jerry to watch tv with cuz she doesnt like the tv loud but i ended up wearin them and singin along to music videos so her plan didnt work cuz she DIDNT HAVE TO put up with the tv but me.. then i found this movie i was into on tv and it happened to be a porn type film so there i am watchin people have sex while my moms on the computer i was afriad she'd turn around so here i am in my room with nothin to do...i culd study but i dont have school till wednesday i hope i dont start my bad procrastinating habits again. why can't we just have everythin in this world with out any complications nothing is ever perfect. It's goin to be hard not being able to share my laughs and thoughts. so maybe i can just resort to this journal to coope but i just want things to be like they always have been.

girlymoon @ 2004-03-21T21:43:00

2004-03-22T05:50:58Z

I can't seem to get my life in order. People keep stepping in and then out. No one just wants to be my friend, everyone expects so much from me.The popular term ive heard lately is all or nothing. What the fuck am i suppose to do break myself into a bunch of pieces and make sure everyone is saticified. Im just hurtin alot right now because people just don't have faith and me and i think ive become this monster. And i left cuz im hurtin its like u expect me to make the same mistakes and nothing matters. U have absoultely no faith in me n it kills me inside all i want to do is cry.

Britney

2004-03-10T06:38:25Z

Okay even though the concert was last night i can still dedicate this entry to her..So last night was pretty fun..me n dom dressed up in matchin outfits...bright green and pink mini skirts and heals and light pink leg warmer and wife beater w/tanks underneath...so theres the break down 4 all u who care or dont...we basically looked like 80's hookers.. some people looked at us funny but most totally thought we were cute n can u blame them i think not? So we had to walk freakin far to actually get to the staples center cuz we got the cheapest parkin there was...wen we got there the openin acts suxed but then one of them turned out to be that girl Kalis who sings "my milk shake..brings all the boys to the yard"..Britney towards the middle of her performances looked really sleezy n seductive i liked it..so the concert was pretty good but then we got lost looked 4 r car n we came across a whole bunch of homeless people...then once we found the car we got lost in LA lookin 4 the freeway n thats how the nite ended.
My moms been given me the silent treatment 4 two days now its driven me insane..well i guess ill end with my new saying
Its krystyna's world n everyone just lives in it

Sigh

2004-02-26T05:29:34Z

Well here i go again make tons of decisions that i cant even be responsible 4 the consequences...first i tell someone im gonna go wit them then i say yes to yet some more people...then i end up feeling guilty..its like omg cant i think straight guess everyone knows the answer to that ? and its no! so hopefully my night turns out ok n then i get to sleep at mediums yey!

Bawk Bawk Chicken Chicken

2004-02-25T06:44:43Z

Well i woke up n went to work at 11..from there i followed my daily rooutine of goin to juice it up to see natasha where she gives me lime sherbert n i wait 4 her to get off work so i can take her home..but lately before droppin her off we usually hang out which basically means drive around yesterdays stops were in-n-out and condom revolution. today we went to the mall n i bought these cute cut off shorts kinda like medium has anyways then i realized my belly ring rine stone fell off so i went to a piercing shop by my house n got a new one but before the guy would change it 4 me he made me fill out a whole bunch of paper work..i also found out that the bump i was gettin occationally around my piercin was cuz of using cotton balls guess ur not suppose to cuz it creates that bump.. me n rj been cool i guess hes up 4 whatever i want to fuckin bad that i have no clue well actually i want mike but like hes ever gonna call guys r just a bunch of freakin liars i'll juss stick to my bitches even though they dont seem to call either...guess u can never win..The guy said my belly will heal faster if i dunt stress..how the hell cant i stress my lifes a freakin joke...

Lost

2004-02-23T02:19:26Z

Im sittin here emotionless.. wishing i was another person...a person that could think straight and make choices that were smarter.. but i get caught up in a world i dont even think belongs to me ..people coming and going and no one staying...Ive been lettin people in then as quickly as i got them hooked i want to let them go.. I dont want anyone to hurt me the way ive hurt them.. Everythin is meaningless in my life n nothing is constant..One person i trust completely i would put my life on the line for just isn't or cant be that ideal person so wuts nex that long lost heart break thats going to get me stuck in his world or maybe he wont even call n i let go of eveything 4 no one ..when will the answer come ...can happiness be found in chaos?

Time heals everything

2004-01-19T02:45:03Z

Well since i didnt update here since the 9th..i'll start off on the 11th.. I got in a car accident and ruined the other persons car but juss banged up my front but out of that awful incident came out something good i bought a red toyota corolla today its so pretty now i can drive all my friends around..Lifes okay i guess seems to be lookin brighter daily n i have my wonderful friends n family to thank 4 that...I love u all!

Last night i saw Chasing Liberty..It was a cute movie n the guy was hot except he had hair around his nipples minor adjustment we'll juss wax that hair off! *sigh* schools startin soon n im not in the school mood i have like no money cause it all went to my car..oh well nex weekend were goin snow boardin thats something to look 4ward 2

Disneyland

2004-01-10T05:34:57Z

Wut started off as having hope 4 a wonderful day ended in a nightmare and a day I will never forget. I got up this morning with medium by my side as she left to my house to go to work i went to take my shower. I ended up visiting my dad for an hour n we had sum soup n gave me magazines he brought 4 my granny from poland n he gave me 50bucks. I left his house n went to the bank to cash my check. I transfered $80 to my savings account I'm tryin to make it a point to put a 80bucks in there every week so by the time 5 years flies by i'll have $20,000. I got home n watched my soup Bold n the Beautiful I havent watched it in a long ass time. I got a call from my mom sayin Sam was in the hospital because something was wrong with him because he got a deep pain in his chest and that he was sweating alot. The moment finally came around 3 where Brian picked me up to go to Disneyland as planned. As we were driving there i got a call from Natasha the girl i work with that she got fired i tried to comfort her as much as possible, its goin to be hard to having her around. Everytime i like someone they seem to step out of my life. Ne way We got there n we were directed to park in Mickey 3K. We proceed to the park met him with his uncle who got us in for free. First ride we went on was Utopia and they told me to get in line #3. The 4 rides that we went on after that we were told to go in line 3... That was really creepy cuz 3 is my favorite number n it kept cummin up we thought it was luck. We sat down to have a bread bowl n i got a call from my mom sayin that Sam had a heart attack. I felt really sad so me n brian started talkin about what might have caused him to have one.. r views differed and later after the conversation was over Brian accused me of not having a mind for my own and that i couldnt think for myself(whatever) Ne ways after there being silence as we walked we boarded Indian Jones again they put us in line 3. I was just tired of not being my own person n relyin on him so much not to mention he put me down very often. So I did it i found us a bench n I told him how i felt n said its better if we were friends...God i don't even believe i had the courage to say it all i could do is cryin leadin up to that moment. In the end we were both crying but were holdin on to somethin impossible. I love him alot but we both need someone that can love us back the way we need and want to be loved. I came home to find my mom n granny foldin laundry i had tears in my eyes n was all messed up i didnt want my mom to see me this way but she did and now she has both her daughters grieving i hate that i had to put her through it but i just couldnt wait any longer. I dont know if the decisions i made today were right but they were MY DECISIONS and no1 can take that away from me. I called Medium no suprise in her voice about what happened, but i think she took the big hit the 1st time we broke up so i didnt expect much from her. It doesnt help much either that she doesntt like Brian...She went to go visit manda which is good because manda needs her, i cant have her all for myself because she has a lot of people to keep happy n i cant be greedy.Dom's gonna come by to cheer me up after work.. I'm gonna end this very long entry now for hopes for a better year.. a year where i learn how to make myself happy!

TEQUILLA'S NOT THE ANSWER BUT MAYBE IT'LL HELP

The Journey

2004-01-04T22:51:55Z

I woke up today around 11..my mom n her friend wanted to get away 4 the day so they asked me to take the grannies to church, but my granny wasnt feeling to shabby so i took her friend.. I went to sum church in Huntingon Beach it was really nice tons of people..I actually listened to the sermon it was about us takin a journey to get to church juss like the Gentiles took one to go see the baby Jesus..The journey was about the obstacles we face in r daily lives..I prayed 4 everything that matters to me n asked God to help me make better choices in life...well enuff about God for now.. I think im gonna make jello shots either tonite or tomm. one of the ladies that is stayin here told me how to make really good ones that will fuck u up but dont taste like alcohol at all..hopefully every1 will come to the gift exchange tommarow nite its about time we do it n of course i will bring the party favors(jello shots)My nose is runny n i kept whipin it at church wit my hand cuz i had to improvise since i didnt have any tissues..i feel bad for the lady that had to hold my hand durin the Our Father..

Soar Throat

2004-01-04T04:21:56Z

Well my day started off with me feelin like shit i think i have a combo of the cold n the flu...flu cuz i threw up but all the other simptoms r of a cold...ne ways at work i have every1 wrapped around my little finger they do whatever i say..now i know how it felt to have slaves back in the day ..not a bad idea..after work i went to buy brian a comforter it wasnt as expensive as i imagined it to be...Omg there was so much traffic at the town center im suprised i didnt get in an accident... but I saw Dorthy she looked so cute n she has a hunk wit sum nice wheels..I just took a shit it was one of those never ending ones ..u think ur done but u guessed wrong theres still more to let out..I'm sure u all are gettin a disturbing image but i know it happens to all of u except u guys r too chicken shit to admit it! Oh it feels good to be writin in a journal again hopefully i'll remember to update it daily..but i have my friends to remind me

The touch of my...

2004-01-02T09:36:58Z

Nope not my hand...oh yes its a girls best friend n im not referring to a penis...so now im gonna leave it up to ur imaginations to guess what im talkin about....ooooooo yeeeaa!!! I'm gonna get my hair braided...so till nex time